A hopeless Romantic That I will be.

So, I'm aware that I'm a hopeless romantic, and you know that is cool with me. I know I'm cheesy and not perfect in a perfection sort of way, but I know I'm somebodies perfect (that will be my next post I think, it will be on what perfection really is). I know I am a hopeless romantic for quite a few reasons, and I'll list out a few of them here for you.

- I want to take a girl on a moonlit walk on a beach somewhere
- I want to stay out all night talking to a girl about everything and nothing at the same time, just talk about it all
- I want to Randomly kiss her for no reason and tell her I love her
- Bring her flowers (either bought or picked) just randomly
- Be spontaneous and try to do things out of the norm for her
- I want to be the reason she rushes home to greet and be excited to see
- I want to cook dinners and have them ready for her when she comes back
- I want to miss her when she has to fly away for a period of time
- I want to be a father and spend time with them
- I'd love to be the stay at home dad if I could
- I want to see her first thing when I wake up and last before I go to bed
- I want to make her breakfast in bed on sundays
- I want to spend Sunday's in a sunlit room reading books together
- I want to go grow old with her, and even when our bodies are old and frail, she will still be the most beautiful girl in the world
- I wanna be the guy that doesn't make her insecure of me potentially wanting other girls, but other girls being jealous of her.
- I know I won't be superman, but I want her to think of me as her hero
- I want to be the guy that she feels safest with
- I want to be the guy she can bring home to her parents and leave me along with them and not be worried
- I want to be the guy that asks her farther for permission to marry her before I ask her, and then her being able to say yes with out thinking because its already been thought through


I want to be all that and more, and I know I can be that to the right girl, she is just hard to find, and sometimes they are a once in a lifetime opportunity.. Here's to hoping that I convince her that I'm the right one for her, or I find her.

Music at heart.

So, since I've posted enough posts with words. I'd figure I'd try something different, but expressive. I'm going to do the content of this post with just music, I'll link music videos in an order and the best experience will be to listen to them in that order, but you can skip any you want.
(As I am creating this.. I realize its a little long.. so you may wanna do something else while you listen or do it in multiple chunks)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chsTuBmkB2w&list=UUplkk3J5wrEl0TNrthHjq4Q&index=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXvMT_mVbqw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02BRnI3iUO4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOnI5GGpXck

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdJIh5Epfn8&list=PLF077C9DD67E5CF3D&index=3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWBi2Zut1eg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_Gm1Re3FgM&list=UUplkk3J5wrEl0TNrthHjq4Q&index=10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKR_1vh5Jw0&list=UUplkk3J5wrEl0TNrthHjq4Q&index=30

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2m4eEbnR5I

And I'll end it with a song.. well yeah... Kinda explains it in 3 minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6O2ncUKvlg

The Current State of Me

There are a million things rattling around in my brain right now, yes that is right a million. Count them all. 1..  2.... 3... 4... 5... 6.. 7... 8... 9... 10.. (this could take awhile bear with me ) 11... million. Done see, a million things rattling around in my small little brain that I like to call my own.

And yes, most of them aren't making me feel good about me, most of them are in fact doing the opposite. I could list all the things that are going on in my head, but I don't feel like wasting your time, cause well you probably aren't interested in them, nor do I feel like iterating over them an additional time today, I've already thought about it enough.

If I were to list them out it would probably look something like this...

1.  Reason 1
2. Reason 2
3. Reason 3
4. ...

.
.
.
.
.
     1000000. Reason 1 million

But that is not what I'm hear to do.

While it may appear that I'm fine on the outside, that I'm perfectly fine, that I'm enjoying life and happy and doing all the happy people things. In reality, it is the exact opposite, I hate doing anything, I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning, and well, I just hate me right now. Probably a fair portion of it is school, but I also know that at least half is the things running around in my head...

If you ask if I'm okay, of course I'm going to say I am, why would I admit other wise? I've always been the rock for you, the strength you could rely on when you were stressed out or worrying about something. I'm not going to give that up, its all I have left, and I don't really have that anymore.  This semester I've spent holed up in my apartment, I haven't seen many people. In fact the only person I see on a regular basis is my room mate and the people I see in class.. Other than that, I spend probably 90% of my not in class time in my room.. I can't really even leave it, nor do I want to.

So if you ask me if I'm fine, I'll reply I'm peachy.
If you ask how my life is, I'll reply its going and moving along pretty well.
If you ask what I've done recently, I'll reply mostly working on school but getting out when I can.
If you want to know what my heart says, I'll reply its beating along, doing its job quite dandy.

If you ask me why my heart and head hurts, I'll just shut down like a computer, nothing more to see here.

Lost Little Boy

stirred up in panic, with fear rising up
Looking around finding nobody like a lost pup
The room is filled, everybody is hustling and bustling
Yet entirely alone, lost, in a trance, not even rustling

No where to be found is the person they are hoping to see
To fix all that is wrong with their mind, just like one, two, three
A comforting and secure place, a hideout from all the bad
Where there is no fear, and there is no such thing as sad

Running around trying to find whom they seek
Minutes and minutes go by, odds are looking meek
A sound is heard, sounds like thy own name
Could this be them looking for me, or is it a mind game

Weaving in between the legs and arms of those whom are about
Thinking, that the faster I run, the faster I'll find them, no doubt
But as time wears on, and the same faces appear again and again
Hope starts to die out, will my search end in champagne

Asking for help you say? That isn't an option as fear is rising
Can't trust them with this emotion, its to comprimising
I'll just keep searching, I know that I can find them
Or at least, they will be able to find me again

Then the ultimate fear strikes deep within the heart
What if they have left me here, all on my own, forever apart
This can't be, they loved me so much so, it was so strong
Oh god, why oh why? why did this happen, what did I do wrong

There is always that little sliver of hope that there is a reunite
That little light deep inside that isn't burning very bright
Eventually you see them in everybody that you see, their face all over
But you see that it can't be them, and their voice doesn't match moreover




We are all that lost little boy or girl in our lives at several point, just hoping that where we messed up somebody will come along to scoop us up and tell us that we are fine, and that everything is going to be okay. To tell us that we are loved, and that will never change. Sometimes that is what we need more than anything, somebody to rescue us from our panic, to slow us down and show us that we didn't mess up, that something just happened, and that they are there just the same.

Unsure Of My Own Mind

I stand here unsure of what to do
My mind and body has been emptied, it has no crew
Nothing is quite the same anymore
Its like the peace that's right after the war

Only problem is I'm not a peace
I feel like I'm in the squabble, will it ever cease
Saying these things out loud I shouldn't do
But my heart, I haven't even begun to spew

For I know you are watching me closely
To figure out if I'm okay, well mostly.
I'll cut straight to the chase
I am going to make sure to give you your space

I know right now I resemble a poison
Not exactly something you would have chosen
Since you know that I'll always love you
I'll stay out of this renew

But never forget I will always have open arms
Should something  cause you mental harm
I'd never wish that upon your face
There wouldn't even be a trace

So I'll try to figure myself out as I sort out my life
To keep my words from cutting anybody like a knife
Hold my words close, so that they don't attack
Cause I don't want to stab you in the back

What my mind really has going on inside I'll never share
Maybe you'll see one day its cause I care
I'd give up anything to protect the ones I love most deeply
Even if the price paid seems steeply

My duty to the ones I life over rides everything else about me
Nothing could ever keep me from completing it, not even the black sea
While I never hope I fail you at all
I'm sure that one day, I'll fail and fall

I'm not perfect, not will I ever be
Those are the things that define me
I'll change, that is one of the biggest given
But you could already figure that out, cause you already changed how I am livin'

So as I sort my mind out, and try to make it make some sense
The notion that I'll get it sorted out like the easy level of tetris is future tense.
And that is fine by me, one day I'll be able to line up all the blocks
Everything falling into place, and be more readable, instead of a blackbox

A fruitless effort

I get that life isn't perfect and not everything is happy
I understand that sometimes we need our sad days
I realize that I'm not the greatest person on the planet
I also know that I am in fact worth something

Right now I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall
I feel like no matter what I say or do, it gets me no where
Every little thing I do
Never seems enough for you

I stand here screaming at the top of my lungs
Tears streaming down my face
Yet nobody seems to see or hear me
Even amongst this crowded world we live in

I know things will be every changing
That friends are made and lost through time
But there are always those friends you will keep forever
And it sucks when you lose one of them

I make the time for you, to do my best to give it
Yet in return I get nothing, I always have to initiate the handshake
If you don't want me around all you have to do is say
And I'll go away, though I may not understand

I don't know what is going on with me
Is there something wrong with me
Do I smell or look funny, am I lopsided or square
Is it that I'm too open, or that I care

I'm not sure what it is, but its strange
This strangeness is killing me
I'm doing my best to make the sun come out and shine
But clouds always seem to be getting in the way

Hopefully I can figure this out soon
Because these cloudy days are really starting to wear me down
Maybe I just nee to take some time to be away from everything
And just live in a secluded world to try and find my sun

I know I'm not in a good place right now, and I'm sorry for those who are suffering along with me, I truly am sorry because most of you don't need this version of me, you need my happy and content version, but I just can't be that right now.
Right now I can barely function, let alone do other things. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be the start of my turn around, but the forecast predicts it won't be.

In the Face of Adversity

When facing the impossible we put our game face on
Only to try and trick the impossible that it is wrong
Its not really how we feel inside
Because all we wanna do is break down and cry

We try and be the best that we can be
And hope that we don't fall out of life's tree
We do our best to put on the mask of confidence
When really we struggle to hold onto consciousness

I'm not sure how much longer I can weak the mask
Because I can see, it is starting to get full of cracks
I don't want to let anybody else see it shatter
As my entire life comes crashing down in a clamor

Running away isn't going to fix the problem any better
In fact, I may just feel as though I have been through a shredder
I need to find a way to fix how I'm feeling inside
But nothing I seem to do stops the backward slide

I need to put myself into my crawler gear and start the climb
For this is my time to start to shine
Just gonna get the clutch loose and pop the gear free
Then drop it down a couple notches and let the gas flow with speed

But that is the hard part, being able to get my brain focused enough
To let me change the gear, to get going and stop from sliding off the bluff
But so far it doesn't look as though it is going to happen
But who knows maybe I'll be saved by a flying dragon

For now it seems as though I'll still be on triage of the brain
To stop my mind from feeling like something will remain
That when is all said and done, that I will make it through the day
When the sun sets, I'll have made it through the daily fray.

Stupid Mistakes

Shouldn't have ever let go
Never should have given less than 100% row
Stupidly let my guard down
Losing everything dear, looking like a clown

No idea what crazy thoughts crept into my brain
Nothing makes sense in this crazy mind regime
Just watching as all that I love slipped away
Now I just watch from a distance as it lives on anyway

Just sitting and waiting, watching as others enjoy
They just don't even care, that I am in fact a boy
I have feelings and that I can't stand being thrown around
And having my mind thrown and whipped around on the floor

So now I just have to sit and watch
As somebody else enjoys my failure to launch
So back to shuffling my feet and looking at the ground
I don't think I can keep going pound for pound

I lay in bed at night staring at the ceiling
Not being able to sleep, not able to start my healing
Never being able to sleep should probably end up killing me
But I'm stuck doing it anyways, my mind is a black sea

My mind, A whirlwind of Everything

I can't really explain things better than the song I'm going to post at the end, but I'm going to try, for me because I need too. But I'll force you to read my stuff (or at least make you scroll over it) to get to the song. As I've gone on to type, I've realized that it is two songs. So you will get them at the end.

Every time I spin around I swear I see your face in the crowd
I spend the next couple seconds searching, but everything is so loud
Then I get back to my sense and realize that you aren't here
There is no reason, you wouldn't want to show me your face I fear

I don't know why I keep dragging my feet through that same muddy water
Just getting my feet wet, treating my mind like cannon fodder
I need to find a new way to walk, a new path to let my eyes see
There will always be an overlap, but maybe I can finally set my mind free

I would give up everything, save nothing to put a smile on your face
Just to see you happy, jumping, dancing, and uplifted, would be my biggest grace
To see those feet fly around the floor, skimming and pushing it around
This is when you are most beautiful, it wouldn't be far fetch to be on your head a crown

But for now I'll just sit here and stare at the ceiling as I lay in bed
Wondering, what do I have to do to take back my head
But part of me doesn't ever want to get any of it back
Just letting you roam about it, even though I get a mild anxiety attack

Even though it hurts to see your face everywhere I crawl
It hurts even more when you don't even speak to me, nothing at all
Not hearing how your day goes, or something big that happens in your life
Makes me feel down,and fills my head with strife

I'm just like any other human being, I just want to be genuinely loved
Nothing else, just wanted, needed, just to be somebodies beloved
So here I'll just stand my ground, and try not to move
Because that's the best option, one of solitude


SO here are the two songs I was talkin abouts...

Feast your ears.

A Covert Message

Don't worry I got your message, it was pretty clear
Its pretty obvious that you don't want me near
It is so ever clear to be now
I'm just going to shield my heart, and hurt to not allow

Sometimes the silence can be so loud
Ear splitting, much like at a metal concert in the crowd
The sound is deafening and making my entire body tremble
I know I need to go, because my brain has stared to disassemble

I'm really sorry I can't stay, but I can treat my heart this way
I'm not going to put it through the pain of this sad ballet
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to dance the night away with you
But every time I get close, I get pushed away and cut through

I'd like to be able to say that we can do a Tango
And be as happy as a mango
But every time I do, You won't let me take the lead
Instead, we fumble around until you just get up and leave

I make the effort for us to have a time to talk
But it feels like I'd have better luck swimming under a dock
I get nothing back, sometimes for what seems days
I'm just burning up on re-entry in a fiery blaze

All I ask is that it be a two way street
That you don't leave me dangling, trying to accomplish and impossible feat
Just every now and then throw me a bone
To let me know that this is still what you want and I'm not swimming in a rip tide zone

If you don't want this anymore, please just let me know
I'd rather know and be hurt than be trying and have woe
Things are constantly changing, including things about me
But if you could be so kind as to inform me of where I be

I mean you no disrespect when I say these things
Just need to get my heart out, to let those strings sing
I'm just having a tough time coping with my entir e life
It feels like a race to the death, like trying to grab a double edged knife

I'll continue to pretend I'm okay and struggle on
But inside, I'm confused and hurting just wanting to make it to dawn
To watch the sunrise and be who I am supposed to be
So I can go back to being, everybody's big strong tree.

Amendum 4/27/2012:
I don't want what we have to die
wanting it to last is far from a lie
I wouldn't have it any other way than you and
For it just seems like something is meant to be

I just don't want to be the one always reaching it
Maybe every more and the maker the first move and brush away my clouds
I know what we have is no where near ideal
But its the best we got, and we ate keeping it real

So I just ask please let me know
If you truly want me around for the show
And show that you mean it by giving the first move a go
And maybe tell me things you don't tell every other soul

I don't want to be the last one to know what's going on
Id rather have that conversation one on one
It doesn't always have to be happy our sad
I'd still love to talk to you even if you're mad

I want to be your best friend you can tell anything
And somebody that you feel the need to hide something
Regardless of the time day it night
I will be here should you need me too help fight

You will always be an amazing girl
Nobody could taker that from you in the while wide world.

Touching, the feel of your skin.

I don't touch you to be creepy
Nor do I do it to make you weepy
Just the feel of your skin against mine
The only way to describe it is blissfully divine

The texture of your arm on the pads of my fingers
The smoothness of your leg on mine lingers
The warm gentle heat that you give back to me
The feeling, is so amazing, just an amazing spree

I don't touch you because I want to be that awkward guy
I touch you because I love the way you make my head fly
I don't poke you because I want to get in a fight
I poke you because it makes my heart jump with delight

Just to be around you makes my who day a little brighter
Even if its just for a moment, it always makes it better
Just the simple touch of holding your hand for a minute or two
Even if its just if it only gives me a few minutes to woo you.

I don't know what I'd do if I could never touch you again
Just the tiny spark when our pinkies intertwine
The small little moment, where I feel like more than a man
Those are the moments when kiss you I can

For those are the days I shall miss the most
Holding your hand as we walked along the sunny coast
The sun shining through your hair and across your face
And how all of us sudden it could turn into a race

One day the waves will wash me ashore once more
Where I can then run around, and swing a girl across the dance floor
I've learned that one can never miss a chance to dance
Because just like that you are both in a trance

Where the skin to skin contact isn't awkward or weird
Its a chance to get to physically get to know them that is revered
The touching and the gliding in rhythmic motion
To be kissed at the end of the song, she only need to give the notion.

Standing, Staring, Precariously Balanced

I stand, both feet firmly planted on what seems like ground
In front and on my left and right nothing but horizon can be found
I look down at where my feet seem to be planted
To my surprise I see a seemingly endless decent

I know I'm not here to jump or anything
But I can't figure out how I got here, did I sprout wings....
I know I came here to sit, listen and think
To get some place where my insanity isn't on the brink

I sit down and just look of into the distance to see what is there
But the longer I stare, I realize that sight seeing isn't what it is I care
The reason that I am up here, on the precariously perched ledge
Is to stop myself from slowly but surely going off the edge

I could stay up here all day, its the most peaceful I have been in awhile
Being up here, I know I can't stay, because this is merely a trial
The beauty of the world I see stretched out in front of me
From the rolling hills, to the big cities, and the blacktop to the forests filled with hundreds of trees

Most people feel the sunset is the most amazing time of the day to watch from on high
But I have to disagree,sun rise is, the way the sun races across the land lit from the sky
I see the line of light slowly creeping across the ground and watching the world wake up
Birds begin to fly, the streets begin to fill, and the sounds of life fly about, only missing a dude saying "sup"

I think I might just hang out here for awhile, and just watch the world spin a few times
Take notes, observe and learn more about who I am as a person, just sit and write some rhymes
Up here I shall be in a state of homage of sorts, a journey not so much of physical distance
But a mental journey to find my true self, no longer taking the path of least resistance

While sitting and acting as the observer may not be a path filled with lots of people
It is a space where I need to be, high above everything else, soaring like an Eagle
So here I will stay for a time, I'll look in upon myself and rely just on me for love
I am not expecting anybody else to do it, I'll be the releaser of my own dove.

I'm going to take a break from everything that I can
This is my time to learn to be a better man
This is where I should say adieu for now
If you just happen to look up every so often, you'll see me perched on the bow of where I stand now.

Shouting Yet Silent

How on earth do I get your attention
What will it take to end this desertion
I scream at the top of my voice
But it appears you don't hear me by choice

I don't know what it will take to capture your thought
Jumping up and down doesn't work, not even a trot
Would I need to carve a flawless statue out of stone
Or maybe I'll have to fight like the great gladiators of Rome

What can I do to divert your gaze long enough to see me
Would it take a sign that says hugs are free
No that wont work, because I've already tried and you walked on by
Sometimes I wonder if its even worth it to try

I'm not asking for much really at all
I just want to hear your voice, to talk, just to arrest this fall
At night I plan out all the ways I'll try to get your attention tomorrow
But no matter how long I think, my ideas always just flounder

I know what we have is not perfect
But it doesn't mean that you need to take what we have and to it reject
All I ask is that when I reach out to hold your hand
That you have the kindness to not just let it fall away like sand

I want to just sit down and tell you everything on my mind
To spill out whats in my heart and show that love is indeed blind
I hate having to keep what I'm feeling separate from what I get to show
Because honestly, I just want to compliment about how you glow

Maybe some day things will go back to the way there were once upon a long time ago
Where we can talk and hang out and things just flow
But for now I'm left to hide what I feel inside
So by these rules I will abide

I only want to see you happy in the end
But I also would love to be your best friend
So here is to one day being friends once again
Until then, let the hiding begin.

All Tangled Up

Just fair warning, this post isn't a poem.. but its close enough to a thought, since that is in the tittle of my blog too!

So I just watched Tangled tonight, and I forgot how amazing this movie really is inspiring and heart breaking at the same time.  I've also discovered for you ladies a sure fire way to get the man of your dreams. First you must acquire cast iron frying pan (this is important for several reasons; proper grip strength, weight, and sound), then when you find man of your dreams whack him upside the head with said frying pan. This will knock him out and will also create a satisfying clang.  After he has been knocked out, you must poke him a few times, then as soon as he makes a noise, whack him again, this second whack is crucial for the effect to sink in.  Now just wait awhile and said man will fall in love with you.  This effect is similar to a brain, aneurysm  it takes time for the effect to fully set in then he realizes it slowly.
True facts, feel free to try out on your own to procure said man.


But down to the genuineness of the story, I cried at the end of this movie.I'll admit it, I am a man and I cried at the end of Tangled. If you look at all those two went through together its an amazing amount and it created a bond between them that was inseparable, even after she was sure he ran off with the crown she waited for him to return, he had intended too, but she waited for a long while for him to come back to her.  And even after he figured that she would never see him again he fought all the way from his death sentence to make sure that she was alright and that no harm came of her.  How much better of a love story could you get, overcame extreme adversity to join in love that was purer than water of a glacier. I really couldn't have hoped for any better ending.

Also, quick note. I find that Rapunzel is attractive with both her long and short hair. I may be alone on that, but she is equally attractive.

Final note is that I wish nothing short of what I hope to find in my quest for true love, I know its not going to be easy, not easy and quick.  Its a struggle to go through life searching for the one you're supposed to be with but in the end its all worth it, every single day spent searching. Because they make you happier than you have ever been in your entire life.  So I guess I'll finish with that true love is messy, and not perfect, bu its worth any pain you endure and is worth everything that goes wrong when you find the person who completes you more than any body you could ever dream of besides them.  As the common phrase goes "A match made in heaven" and in practice it just means there is no better pair than those two who are in love.

A recovery

So, last time I posted I went on a little bit of a rant.. and I apologize for that, it was a little unnecessary and slightly rude. But all the same my point is still the same, I'd just say it nicer next time.

For a status report of you all following.. I haven't really changed, if anything I got a little worse because of my stress load with school.. its really not good right now... Its a terrible spiral.

So I've been writing this for a few days and have started spring break.. and honestly it doesn't feel like it.. something just isn't right and it's just not what it should be, that's all.


So I know this poem will be a little out of season, since we just started spring, but I wanted to write it anyways.

The sun, beaming on all those in the area with warmth.
Nothing could be wrong with the day, the skies are clear and the winds are low.
The room is filled with warmth and all I can think of is to nap in it.
But I turn my head and see the most beautiful woman all dressed for the beach.

She slowly walks over and holds out her hand to with a smile.
All I do is groan and shift a little like I'm not ready to move cause I'm not.
A smile and giggle and a light kick from her bare feet all hit me at once.
How could one say no to this amazing woman, the one who I promise my life too.

So I get up slowly, almost painfully, just to watch her wait because her gaze has a feeling.
I know despite the many kicks I am receiving she loves me more than I could ever guess.
Up I stand, bringing myself to big brick wall stature, much bigger than she.
What does she do? she gets cute and puffs herself up just a big.

I can't help but back down laughing the entire way for we all know she is "bigger".
All I can do is to try and suck up to the monster before she is unleashed.
So what do I do, I surprise her with a big long kiss that seems to last for awhile.
A moment that she will remember all day and hopefully remember forever.

She had already packed for the beach during my cat nap.
Wearing her flipflops and a classy sun dress we begin our walk to the sand paradise.
We don't go to sun tan, or to just lay there and read we unleash our inner child.
Doing everything you wish you could do if nobody judged you.

We went galloping through the icy cold water, with the blue joy splashing in all direction from our childish thoughts.
Built the sand castles, or what appeared in our minds to be a sand castle but was more just a pile.
Kites were flown so high we couldn't see them in the sun until they came crashing down and we just hoped that it wouldn't hit a kid.
Then we were asked to join in a quick game of volleyball, we will just say we aren't the best at the game.

Once we had some fun we decided to call it quits on the beach for a bit.
So we found a nice hill to just sit and talk about anything, but she had a surprise a fuzzy blanket.
For there we just laid and looked at the clouds, finding the bunnies and tigers and showing each other.
Just like in the movies with our heads next to each other with her hair touching me face.

For then the sun began to set, she thought we were on our way back home, but I had a surprise in store for her.
We made our way back to the beach setting down the blanket again just in time to watch the sun go down.
All we did was sat there watching the sun go down and the birds fly across the large orange ball of flame.
Just in the last few seconds of daylight, I look at her and slowly start to lean in for a kiss, our lips touch.

But then something doesn't make sense, something isn't just the way I left it in my mind.
For then in clicks, it was all in my mind. I look down and see a book on my chest for I had fallen asleep on the couch.
I turn my head, still in hope that I may have just experienced it the day before, but alas to my heartbreak just a dream.
For I enjoyed the dream for awhile, but still sad that it wasn't my current reality. One day, one day...

An Admittance

Okay, so as most of you, err well any of you who still read this at this point if any. Who knows I may just be talking to an empty room at this point, but I could care less, this helps clear my brain when it's so full that it wants to explode. Yet, I digress, as any of you still reading know, I mostly write poetry here, but before I get to that in this post I just wanna get some things off my chest, because while I love poetry, I just need to say this in plain English, no hidden messages, no misinterpretations, etc etc. Just simple and easy to understand.

So as those close to me know that I haven't been well off mentally for over a month, now approaching 2 months, depending on when you started counting. I can't really blame anybody else for this unhappiness, only myself. Now for those who wanting to say its not your fault, but somebody else's or more in particular a certain somebody, you're wrong. A break-up is well a break up, no ifs, and's or or's about it. And its not easy, and it hurts, some more than others.

While I'd like to be prideful and say I handled it "like a man," I'd rather be honest and say I haven't, cause we all know I'm not anywhere close to being normal, or back to my version of normal, and that's fine, I'll eventually get there in my own time. But there are a few things that have been bugging me about it, and its not like people are doing it on purpose, but there are 3 major things that set me off the wall..

1.) Stop blaming who I was with for being at fault, or saying it was her loss. Yeah, I like to think I'm a great guy (ya'll can be the judge of that) and that she is a great girl (to me that's still true, your opinions are your own.) Just because of what happened doesn't mean any one of us are going to be miserable for ever, I genuinely still want her to be as happy as she can possibly be, and if she feels so inclined would like to attend the wedding in some form. So for the love of everything sane, stop telling me this. It didn't work out romantically between us right now, it happens, she felt like I couldn't provide some things she wanted in a man in her life, and she is probably right, there are a few I can't provide, but that doesn't make me any less of a great guy.

2.) Stop telling me to move on and starting dating others and trying to set me up on dates or telling me I should ask somebody out. Just cut it off, if you think I'd work great with somebody, just have me and them hang out together, don't put me on the spot on a date with them, I'm a nice guy, of course I'm not going to say no, and you know it.. In it's simplest form its taking advantage of me. I'll find my own way of taking a girl out if I see something in her I like. Right now, I'm not at all interested in trying to find another date or a girl (explained further in 3) I'm still scared to jump back into the "pool", and I have no desire to get wet anyways right now.

3.) "Now you can date somebody who is close by and you can see all the time." You can't even believe how many times I've heard this line from people I know, including my parents (mostly my dad, for those of you who know, this has an extra piss off level for other reasons.) To me, love knows no bounds and no distance can separate it, yeah, its not easy, especially with me in school and stuck in the middle of no where with no car, but I've realized, I can put in the effort to try to make it less bad for the girl. Yes, I can honestly say I loved her, and for those of you about to asked "well, how many people has he said that too?" I can count them on one hand, there are 2 that aren't in my family. One is my best friend whom I've known for more years than I can actually remember life events, and the other is her. Yes, I'm not over it, I still do and always will, I just have to learn to transition from a romantic love, to a "I'm your best friend who will stop at nothing to make sure you aren't hurt, and will destroy anybody who hurts you" kind of love. Not going to be easy, I know.

What made me come to this realization you ask? its actually been a couple of things that have brought me to this point of publicly announcing all of this. I recently started following this guys blog (though admitting I have been subscribed to it for along time) but more specifically, this post, it got me thinking that this is my life, and yeah, I need to do something about it.  There is also the other fact that I was talking to one of my guy friends and on our walk to, at and fro the coffee shop we went to we had a kind of deep conversation that I can't let people tell me what to do with my love life, and that I need to be the master of it (well, I can't master it, but I can stumble along in my own path) and that I need to tell people what my place along my timeline is, yeah it sounds terrible and self centered to refuse help, but I'm not refusing help, I'm just saying I don't need the "Here, we set you up on a date, now go marry her and have 25 babies" kind of advice.  I'll find my soul mate in my own time and on my own terms.  Plus I'm one of those stubborn people who if you keep pestering me to do something, the less likely I am to do it, ever.

And while me and this other girl (not the one I was dating) didn't always get along, its kinda come together better, and I'm glad it did, because she is honestly an awesome person (No, I'm not going to date her..) And she and I went through the same kind of thing at roughly the same time frame, so we are kinda in this one together. We talked, and realized that you know there is a future waiting for us (To her it is god's plan, to me, its just unknown at this point. And to each there own, I've never had anything against those of faith, we all have our own live style.) So here is her blog, she is pretty chill, if your bored of reading this, which I'm sure you are, you can gander over there for awhile, then come back to this.... eventually.... I hope... Or at least hope you think about coming back to this eventually.

Okay, so now that I have that off my chest, I'll get back to what most of you are here, for which is poetry. So feel free to share my blog, quote me, what ever. I write it mostly for myself, but I'd be fine if it helped somebody else, or made somebody else's day as well. Also, no lies it will help me ego a bit, I feel kinda lame with 4 page views a week, but hey, its mostly for me anyways.  SO here you go.


Here I lay looking at the stars
They are the same stars as somebody from afar
But they are my starts here tonight
Just me and this brisk, clear night.

I know I'm selfish for seeing this all by myself
But, I truly need this, for my own health
Maybe one day I'll let somebody else into my secret spot
Where its nothing short of this perfect slot

I wish I could just fill up the tank and drive far away
Just let the night fade, and become day
Driving and driving until the tank reads empty
Far away from everything, and all society

Give me a few weeks to just clear my mind
A time to get me and my life in line
I'm tired of this show I put on for everyone
Like I'm a puppet under their thumb

But alas I can't because of school
Where I'm at not to be super cool
But to break my brain and learn
In this state of mind though, its hard to discern

Soon I'll have my head on straight
Where I can think and elaborate
Then I can speak my mind and be heard
Showing everyone, that I don't come third

But for now I need to figure out whats going on
For now I'm depressed and my motivation is gone
Trying every little thing to just go on with my day
Not even trying to stop the fray

Nights are by far the worst of them all
Where it is just me and my brain, no more wall
My thoughts running rampant and free
Brain, why aren't you thinking about what I need

Just wanting to wake up and share the mornings once more
With a girl who loves me as we walk out the french door
But alas this must also wait for I'm on my own
So for now about it I'll just moan and groan

Soon enough I'll wake up and hear the chirping birds once more
Not in the same rush to get out the front door
But to take the time to go outside and listen to what's here
Just taking in all the beauty around me that is near

As I lay my head down to rest
My mind reminds me to no one that I am pressed
But just you wait brain, soon I'll have my victory
I know my package of happiness is out for delivery

I apologize for this post being so long.. but I needed to get it all out. So hope you enjoy knowing a little more about me.

It's okay to admit, that you really aren't okay inside.

Nobody ever said it was unmanly
Not a soul said it was unsightly
The things we trick ourselves into thinking
When will it stop, with our emotions its only monkeying

Some will say they never cry
But, that is whole heartily a lie
From the wimpiest to the most manly man
They all cry, but to the inside do they cram

It is perfect fine to admit that you are not fine
To show that you are slowly losing your mind
That the feelings you have caged are making you ill
Saying that you have lost every ounce of will

Someday's you just want to slink around on the floor
Being simply, but a human caterpillar
Eat, Slink, Sleep, Slink, Slink and Slink some more
Not wanting to go anywhere near or out your door

Other times you just feel disabled and can't move
No desire, no drive, to even turn on your favorite song and groove
Where laying in bed all day sounds like a fantastic plan
This happens even to the best of men

But we all throw on our happy face and clothes and face the world
Cause why would anybody except our emotions to be whirled
We are always the brave one who could with stand anything
A hurricane, the front lines, the apocalypse, just everything

While on the outside we may just seem a little off
Just appearing as thought we can shrug it off with a skoff
But if you would only glimpse to what is going on inside of us
A nightmare, the worst storm of the century , but that would even begin to address

Some nights we get no sleep, just staring at the ceiling
wondering where the hell we went wrong, was there any feeling
Those are nights are the worse of any, by far
Sometimes it is enough tears to fill a large jar

The shakes, the aches, and the headaches
Just a daily dose of what we all hide
From everybody else we all know, there is something we hold inside
Never to let it out, we'd rather let it eat us alive

So here I am making my stand against the norm
Don't get me wrong I'll still weather the storm
But I'm no longer afraid to let the tears roll down my face
Slowly sliding down, as we make our fall from grace

All I have left to do is spread my wings and try to fly
I know I won't succeed the first time, and maybe get a black-eye
But if I just keep trying enough, then maybe one day I'll be airborne
Where I can fly free, escape the norm, expectations, and scorn.

For I will now rise from the ashes
Don't you dare call me pretentious
For here I make my stand to be nothing short of who I am
And for those with me, they will love me for everything I can't and can

A High School Crush

Walking in the halls of his educational establishment
Just to peek a glance at the girl that has caught his eye
To him, she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen
A girl so pretty, that he convinces himself he stands no chance

Every day he walks right by her, seeing her face
But most days he can't even muster up the courage to say hi
Not even to speak a simple greeting
Maybe every one is right, she is out of his league

Every day in math they always sit next to each other
Day in and day out that math class is so boring
He's nice and makes sure to leave his paper visible enough
So that come test day, she will pass the test

Every day his friends at lunch tease him about his crush
Telling him there is no way in the world he'll land that catch
Always putting him down, and never telling him he can do it
So he believes that he can't do it, and he is "okay" with it now

So he just goes on with his day, repeating the same patterns
Wondering why he wasn't good enough for this girl
Just accepting that it must be because he is a nerd
Not realizing his friends planted that in his mind

Each and every day he says he will get more and more courage
So that one day soon he will be able to strike up a conversation
Then maybe he can express his feelings and throw his heart out
To hope that she catches it, and keeps it safe instead of throwing it to the ground

He will tell her how beautiful and lovely she is
And that he only wants to love and cherish her and treat her with respect
He just wants to be by her side when ever she needs it
But he never does, because his friends tell him he can't do it

Little does he know, that he isn't alone in this matter
But someone else is just as dumb founded and lost as he
All their friends telling them that the other isn't good enough
That it would be weird, they are from "two different parts of society"

Everyday since the 6th grade she has always found him cute
Not a day goes by where she doesn't want to just go up and say hi
Sneaking glances at him when she thinks he isn't looking
Just to see how cute he is everyday

No matter what she tells her friends, they never see past the outside
All they see is what appears on the surface, not who he really is
Falling to the stereotype and being disgusted that she would even think
To date a "guy like that" one that isn't as popular as they

Every day she tells her self just a little more courage
One day she will be able to just say hi
But that courage is hard to find, somewhere buried deep inside
The want and desire to break out of the stereotype that traps her

She sits next to him in math everyday, every single day
Not because she needs him to cheat off, because she secretly has a better grade
She just wants to be close to him, to feel like maybe there is something
To see his shining face every day, so she never forgets what it looks like

All she is hoping for is that maybe between the two of them there will be courage
Enough for one of them to start a conversation that leads to anywhere
Just a talk to get them lost in the moment and get them learning about each other
So that maybe, just maybe one day he will ask her out

Every year at the dances she either sees him with a girl that ditched him
Or notices that he never showed up, and there is only a simple thing she wants
To Dance that slow dance, and feel like the spotlight is on her
Not because she is popular, but because he is looking into her eyes

Should he offer up his feelings and heart to her
She'd take care of them with the greatest and most loving care
Never wanting to hurt or deny them leaving him hurt
For she loves and cherishes him every single day already

Days and weeks go by but nothing is happening between them
Just the same pattern that has been going on since 8th grade
Like this little dance they do, never to close, but never to far
A mutual friend has noticed these feelings as he saw them look at each other

This friend has no judgement, none at all, for he sees no reason for them not to try
So he begins to scheme, a schemish scheme, and idea so brilliant its simple
He sees that all he needs to do is get them to talk, to get the conversation flowing
So he invites both of them to lunch that Saturday, and of course they both agree

He really doesn't have to do much, he just says a few words to get them going
After awhile he notices things are going great, so he finishes up his lunch
Politely excusing himself from the table to a separate excuse
He goes up and pays the entire bill, and without a trace walks out

The following Monday when he gets to school he is in for a pleasant surprise
From the parking lot he seems them both walking, but this time its different
For they are hand in hand, and nothing is going to stop them
And from there the rest is history

They looked past what all their friends were saying, seeing what they saw
There couldn't be a tighter bond, or a stronger love in the world
They overcame everything in high school, the typical nerd and cheerleader
And that friend, he never expected anything in return, never brought it up as leverage

To this day, those two are still deeply and madly in love
nothing could tear them apart, not even a disaster
All grown up and married, and a set of kids. A boy and a girl
And guess who they made the godfather, the friend who just brought together true love

In My Mind And My Bed There Is Now An Empty Space

I just can't seem to get you off my mind
Nothing I do, no matter how hard I grind
You're always there, with no where to go
The thought of your face dangling to and fro

Just rolling over in my mind I feel a blank space
A space that was occupied by your loving face
But now it is empty and vast
But still your face can't be surpassed

No matter what I do, I can't seem to fill the void
My brain sits back and with its' self is toyed
I need to find a way to clear my brain
Or it seems like my heart will be forever in pain

Every night I can't stop tossing and turning
The comfort of cuddling your body I'm yearning
But here I lay just look at the space you used to take
Now all that's left is an air pocket in your wake

This feeling, I don't know how much more I can stand
To endure this you must be more than a man
I know it may sound quite crazy
But my mind, it surely is a big bully

All I can do is sit on this front porch and swing
and try to tell my self, that you weren't the one for my ring
It is harder than it seems
To go on with out your face lit by sunbeams

I miss your ever so gentle kiss
The one that brought me great bliss
The presence of your body against mine
As we'd drift off to dream worlds of our own design

With each day I hope it gets a little easier
That my days won't just get bleaker and bleaker
But who ever gets to put their ring on you
Won't make me look like a fool

So here's a toast to a future filled with grace
One filled with no disgrace
Aw who am I kidding its hard to keep this face straight
When it is only you that I want to date