The Current State of Me

There are a million things rattling around in my brain right now, yes that is right a million. Count them all. 1..  2.... 3... 4... 5... 6.. 7... 8... 9... 10.. (this could take awhile bear with me ) 11... million. Done see, a million things rattling around in my small little brain that I like to call my own.

And yes, most of them aren't making me feel good about me, most of them are in fact doing the opposite. I could list all the things that are going on in my head, but I don't feel like wasting your time, cause well you probably aren't interested in them, nor do I feel like iterating over them an additional time today, I've already thought about it enough.

If I were to list them out it would probably look something like this...

1.  Reason 1
2. Reason 2
3. Reason 3
4. ...

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.
.
.
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     1000000. Reason 1 million

But that is not what I'm hear to do.

While it may appear that I'm fine on the outside, that I'm perfectly fine, that I'm enjoying life and happy and doing all the happy people things. In reality, it is the exact opposite, I hate doing anything, I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning, and well, I just hate me right now. Probably a fair portion of it is school, but I also know that at least half is the things running around in my head...

If you ask if I'm okay, of course I'm going to say I am, why would I admit other wise? I've always been the rock for you, the strength you could rely on when you were stressed out or worrying about something. I'm not going to give that up, its all I have left, and I don't really have that anymore.  This semester I've spent holed up in my apartment, I haven't seen many people. In fact the only person I see on a regular basis is my room mate and the people I see in class.. Other than that, I spend probably 90% of my not in class time in my room.. I can't really even leave it, nor do I want to.

So if you ask me if I'm fine, I'll reply I'm peachy.
If you ask how my life is, I'll reply its going and moving along pretty well.
If you ask what I've done recently, I'll reply mostly working on school but getting out when I can.
If you want to know what my heart says, I'll reply its beating along, doing its job quite dandy.

If you ask me why my heart and head hurts, I'll just shut down like a computer, nothing more to see here.

Lost Little Boy

stirred up in panic, with fear rising up
Looking around finding nobody like a lost pup
The room is filled, everybody is hustling and bustling
Yet entirely alone, lost, in a trance, not even rustling

No where to be found is the person they are hoping to see
To fix all that is wrong with their mind, just like one, two, three
A comforting and secure place, a hideout from all the bad
Where there is no fear, and there is no such thing as sad

Running around trying to find whom they seek
Minutes and minutes go by, odds are looking meek
A sound is heard, sounds like thy own name
Could this be them looking for me, or is it a mind game

Weaving in between the legs and arms of those whom are about
Thinking, that the faster I run, the faster I'll find them, no doubt
But as time wears on, and the same faces appear again and again
Hope starts to die out, will my search end in champagne

Asking for help you say? That isn't an option as fear is rising
Can't trust them with this emotion, its to comprimising
I'll just keep searching, I know that I can find them
Or at least, they will be able to find me again

Then the ultimate fear strikes deep within the heart
What if they have left me here, all on my own, forever apart
This can't be, they loved me so much so, it was so strong
Oh god, why oh why? why did this happen, what did I do wrong

There is always that little sliver of hope that there is a reunite
That little light deep inside that isn't burning very bright
Eventually you see them in everybody that you see, their face all over
But you see that it can't be them, and their voice doesn't match moreover




We are all that lost little boy or girl in our lives at several point, just hoping that where we messed up somebody will come along to scoop us up and tell us that we are fine, and that everything is going to be okay. To tell us that we are loved, and that will never change. Sometimes that is what we need more than anything, somebody to rescue us from our panic, to slow us down and show us that we didn't mess up, that something just happened, and that they are there just the same.

Unsure Of My Own Mind

I stand here unsure of what to do
My mind and body has been emptied, it has no crew
Nothing is quite the same anymore
Its like the peace that's right after the war

Only problem is I'm not a peace
I feel like I'm in the squabble, will it ever cease
Saying these things out loud I shouldn't do
But my heart, I haven't even begun to spew

For I know you are watching me closely
To figure out if I'm okay, well mostly.
I'll cut straight to the chase
I am going to make sure to give you your space

I know right now I resemble a poison
Not exactly something you would have chosen
Since you know that I'll always love you
I'll stay out of this renew

But never forget I will always have open arms
Should something  cause you mental harm
I'd never wish that upon your face
There wouldn't even be a trace

So I'll try to figure myself out as I sort out my life
To keep my words from cutting anybody like a knife
Hold my words close, so that they don't attack
Cause I don't want to stab you in the back

What my mind really has going on inside I'll never share
Maybe you'll see one day its cause I care
I'd give up anything to protect the ones I love most deeply
Even if the price paid seems steeply

My duty to the ones I life over rides everything else about me
Nothing could ever keep me from completing it, not even the black sea
While I never hope I fail you at all
I'm sure that one day, I'll fail and fall

I'm not perfect, not will I ever be
Those are the things that define me
I'll change, that is one of the biggest given
But you could already figure that out, cause you already changed how I am livin'

So as I sort my mind out, and try to make it make some sense
The notion that I'll get it sorted out like the easy level of tetris is future tense.
And that is fine by me, one day I'll be able to line up all the blocks
Everything falling into place, and be more readable, instead of a blackbox