Okay, so as most of you, err well any of you who still read this at this point if any. Who knows I may just be talking to an empty room at this point, but I could care less, this helps clear my brain when it's so full that it wants to explode. Yet, I digress, as any of you still reading know, I mostly write poetry here, but before I get to that in this post I just wanna get some things off my chest, because while I love poetry, I just need to say this in plain English, no hidden messages, no misinterpretations, etc etc. Just simple and easy to understand.
So as those close to me know that I haven't been well off mentally for over a month, now approaching 2 months, depending on when you started counting. I can't really blame anybody else for this unhappiness, only myself. Now for those who wanting to say its not your fault, but somebody else's or more in particular a certain somebody, you're wrong. A break-up is well a break up, no ifs, and's or or's about it. And its not easy, and it hurts, some more than others.
While I'd like to be prideful and say I handled it "like a man," I'd rather be honest and say I haven't, cause we all know I'm not anywhere close to being normal, or back to my version of normal, and that's fine, I'll eventually get there in my own time. But there are a few things that have been bugging me about it, and its not like people are doing it on purpose, but there are 3 major things that set me off the wall..
1.) Stop blaming who I was with for being at fault, or saying it was her loss. Yeah, I like to think I'm a great guy (ya'll can be the judge of that) and that she is a great girl (to me that's still true, your opinions are your own.) Just because of what happened doesn't mean any one of us are going to be miserable for ever, I genuinely still want her to be as happy as she can possibly be, and if she feels so inclined would like to attend the wedding in some form. So for the love of everything sane, stop telling me this. It didn't work out romantically between us right now, it happens, she felt like I couldn't provide some things she wanted in a man in her life, and she is probably right, there are a few I can't provide, but that doesn't make me any less of a great guy.
2.) Stop telling me to move on and starting dating others and trying to set me up on dates or telling me I should ask somebody out. Just cut it off, if you think I'd work great with somebody, just have me and them hang out together, don't put me on the spot on a date with them, I'm a nice guy, of course I'm not going to say no, and you know it.. In it's simplest form its taking advantage of me. I'll find my own way of taking a girl out if I see something in her I like. Right now, I'm not at all interested in trying to find another date or a girl (explained further in 3) I'm still scared to jump back into the "pool", and I have no desire to get wet anyways right now.
3.) "Now you can date somebody who is close by and you can see all the time." You can't even believe how many times I've heard this line from people I know, including my parents (mostly my dad, for those of you who know, this has an extra piss off level for other reasons.) To me, love knows no bounds and no distance can separate it, yeah, its not easy, especially with me in school and stuck in the middle of no where with no car, but I've realized, I can put in the effort to try to make it less bad for the girl. Yes, I can honestly say I loved her, and for those of you about to asked "well, how many people has he said that too?" I can count them on one hand, there are 2 that aren't in my family. One is my best friend whom I've known for more years than I can actually remember life events, and the other is her. Yes, I'm not over it, I still do and always will, I just have to learn to transition from a romantic love, to a "I'm your best friend who will stop at nothing to make sure you aren't hurt, and will destroy anybody who hurts you" kind of love. Not going to be easy, I know.
What made me come to this realization you ask? its actually been a couple of things that have brought me to this point of publicly announcing all of this. I recently started following this guys blog (though admitting I have been subscribed to it for along time) but more specifically, this post, it got me thinking that this is my life, and yeah, I need to do something about it. There is also the other fact that I was talking to one of my guy friends and on our walk to, at and fro the coffee shop we went to we had a kind of deep conversation that I can't let people tell me what to do with my love life, and that I need to be the master of it (well, I can't master it, but I can stumble along in my own path) and that I need to tell people what my place along my timeline is, yeah it sounds terrible and self centered to refuse help, but I'm not refusing help, I'm just saying I don't need the "Here, we set you up on a date, now go marry her and have 25 babies" kind of advice. I'll find my soul mate in my own time and on my own terms. Plus I'm one of those stubborn people who if you keep pestering me to do something, the less likely I am to do it, ever.
And while me and this other girl (not the one I was dating) didn't always get along, its kinda come together better, and I'm glad it did, because she is honestly an awesome person (No, I'm not going to date her..) And she and I went through the same kind of thing at roughly the same time frame, so we are kinda in this one together. We talked, and realized that you know there is a future waiting for us (To her it is god's plan, to me, its just unknown at this point. And to each there own, I've never had anything against those of faith, we all have our own live style.) So here is her blog, she is pretty chill, if your bored of reading this, which I'm sure you are, you can gander over there for awhile, then come back to this.... eventually.... I hope... Or at least hope you think about coming back to this eventually.
Okay, so now that I have that off my chest, I'll get back to what most of you are here, for which is poetry. So feel free to share my blog, quote me, what ever. I write it mostly for myself, but I'd be fine if it helped somebody else, or made somebody else's day as well. Also, no lies it will help me ego a bit, I feel kinda lame with 4 page views a week, but hey, its mostly for me anyways. SO here you go.
Here I lay looking at the stars
They are the same stars as somebody from afar
But they are my starts here tonight
Just me and this brisk, clear night.
I know I'm selfish for seeing this all by myself
But, I truly need this, for my own health
Maybe one day I'll let somebody else into my secret spot
Where its nothing short of this perfect slot
I wish I could just fill up the tank and drive far away
Just let the night fade, and become day
Driving and driving until the tank reads empty
Far away from everything, and all society
Give me a few weeks to just clear my mind
A time to get me and my life in line
I'm tired of this show I put on for everyone
Like I'm a puppet under their thumb
But alas I can't because of school
Where I'm at not to be super cool
But to break my brain and learn
In this state of mind though, its hard to discern
Soon I'll have my head on straight
Where I can think and elaborate
Then I can speak my mind and be heard
Showing everyone, that I don't come third
But for now I need to figure out whats going on
For now I'm depressed and my motivation is gone
Trying every little thing to just go on with my day
Not even trying to stop the fray
Nights are by far the worst of them all
Where it is just me and my brain, no more wall
My thoughts running rampant and free
Brain, why aren't you thinking about what I need
Just wanting to wake up and share the mornings once more
With a girl who loves me as we walk out the french door
But alas this must also wait for I'm on my own
So for now about it I'll just moan and groan
Soon enough I'll wake up and hear the chirping birds once more
Not in the same rush to get out the front door
But to take the time to go outside and listen to what's here
Just taking in all the beauty around me that is near
As I lay my head down to rest
My mind reminds me to no one that I am pressed
But just you wait brain, soon I'll have my victory
I know my package of happiness is out for delivery
I apologize for this post being so long.. but I needed to get it all out. So hope you enjoy knowing a little more about me.
