The Current State of Me

There are a million things rattling around in my brain right now, yes that is right a million. Count them all. 1..  2.... 3... 4... 5... 6.. 7... 8... 9... 10.. (this could take awhile bear with me ) 11... million. Done see, a million things rattling around in my small little brain that I like to call my own.

And yes, most of them aren't making me feel good about me, most of them are in fact doing the opposite. I could list all the things that are going on in my head, but I don't feel like wasting your time, cause well you probably aren't interested in them, nor do I feel like iterating over them an additional time today, I've already thought about it enough.

If I were to list them out it would probably look something like this...

1.  Reason 1
2. Reason 2
3. Reason 3
4. ...

.
.
.
.
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     1000000. Reason 1 million

But that is not what I'm hear to do.

While it may appear that I'm fine on the outside, that I'm perfectly fine, that I'm enjoying life and happy and doing all the happy people things. In reality, it is the exact opposite, I hate doing anything, I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning, and well, I just hate me right now. Probably a fair portion of it is school, but I also know that at least half is the things running around in my head...

If you ask if I'm okay, of course I'm going to say I am, why would I admit other wise? I've always been the rock for you, the strength you could rely on when you were stressed out or worrying about something. I'm not going to give that up, its all I have left, and I don't really have that anymore.  This semester I've spent holed up in my apartment, I haven't seen many people. In fact the only person I see on a regular basis is my room mate and the people I see in class.. Other than that, I spend probably 90% of my not in class time in my room.. I can't really even leave it, nor do I want to.

So if you ask me if I'm fine, I'll reply I'm peachy.
If you ask how my life is, I'll reply its going and moving along pretty well.
If you ask what I've done recently, I'll reply mostly working on school but getting out when I can.
If you want to know what my heart says, I'll reply its beating along, doing its job quite dandy.

If you ask me why my heart and head hurts, I'll just shut down like a computer, nothing more to see here.

Lost Little Boy

stirred up in panic, with fear rising up
Looking around finding nobody like a lost pup
The room is filled, everybody is hustling and bustling
Yet entirely alone, lost, in a trance, not even rustling

No where to be found is the person they are hoping to see
To fix all that is wrong with their mind, just like one, two, three
A comforting and secure place, a hideout from all the bad
Where there is no fear, and there is no such thing as sad

Running around trying to find whom they seek
Minutes and minutes go by, odds are looking meek
A sound is heard, sounds like thy own name
Could this be them looking for me, or is it a mind game

Weaving in between the legs and arms of those whom are about
Thinking, that the faster I run, the faster I'll find them, no doubt
But as time wears on, and the same faces appear again and again
Hope starts to die out, will my search end in champagne

Asking for help you say? That isn't an option as fear is rising
Can't trust them with this emotion, its to comprimising
I'll just keep searching, I know that I can find them
Or at least, they will be able to find me again

Then the ultimate fear strikes deep within the heart
What if they have left me here, all on my own, forever apart
This can't be, they loved me so much so, it was so strong
Oh god, why oh why? why did this happen, what did I do wrong

There is always that little sliver of hope that there is a reunite
That little light deep inside that isn't burning very bright
Eventually you see them in everybody that you see, their face all over
But you see that it can't be them, and their voice doesn't match moreover




We are all that lost little boy or girl in our lives at several point, just hoping that where we messed up somebody will come along to scoop us up and tell us that we are fine, and that everything is going to be okay. To tell us that we are loved, and that will never change. Sometimes that is what we need more than anything, somebody to rescue us from our panic, to slow us down and show us that we didn't mess up, that something just happened, and that they are there just the same.

Unsure Of My Own Mind

I stand here unsure of what to do
My mind and body has been emptied, it has no crew
Nothing is quite the same anymore
Its like the peace that's right after the war

Only problem is I'm not a peace
I feel like I'm in the squabble, will it ever cease
Saying these things out loud I shouldn't do
But my heart, I haven't even begun to spew

For I know you are watching me closely
To figure out if I'm okay, well mostly.
I'll cut straight to the chase
I am going to make sure to give you your space

I know right now I resemble a poison
Not exactly something you would have chosen
Since you know that I'll always love you
I'll stay out of this renew

But never forget I will always have open arms
Should something  cause you mental harm
I'd never wish that upon your face
There wouldn't even be a trace

So I'll try to figure myself out as I sort out my life
To keep my words from cutting anybody like a knife
Hold my words close, so that they don't attack
Cause I don't want to stab you in the back

What my mind really has going on inside I'll never share
Maybe you'll see one day its cause I care
I'd give up anything to protect the ones I love most deeply
Even if the price paid seems steeply

My duty to the ones I life over rides everything else about me
Nothing could ever keep me from completing it, not even the black sea
While I never hope I fail you at all
I'm sure that one day, I'll fail and fall

I'm not perfect, not will I ever be
Those are the things that define me
I'll change, that is one of the biggest given
But you could already figure that out, cause you already changed how I am livin'

So as I sort my mind out, and try to make it make some sense
The notion that I'll get it sorted out like the easy level of tetris is future tense.
And that is fine by me, one day I'll be able to line up all the blocks
Everything falling into place, and be more readable, instead of a blackbox

A fruitless effort

I get that life isn't perfect and not everything is happy
I understand that sometimes we need our sad days
I realize that I'm not the greatest person on the planet
I also know that I am in fact worth something

Right now I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall
I feel like no matter what I say or do, it gets me no where
Every little thing I do
Never seems enough for you

I stand here screaming at the top of my lungs
Tears streaming down my face
Yet nobody seems to see or hear me
Even amongst this crowded world we live in

I know things will be every changing
That friends are made and lost through time
But there are always those friends you will keep forever
And it sucks when you lose one of them

I make the time for you, to do my best to give it
Yet in return I get nothing, I always have to initiate the handshake
If you don't want me around all you have to do is say
And I'll go away, though I may not understand

I don't know what is going on with me
Is there something wrong with me
Do I smell or look funny, am I lopsided or square
Is it that I'm too open, or that I care

I'm not sure what it is, but its strange
This strangeness is killing me
I'm doing my best to make the sun come out and shine
But clouds always seem to be getting in the way

Hopefully I can figure this out soon
Because these cloudy days are really starting to wear me down
Maybe I just nee to take some time to be away from everything
And just live in a secluded world to try and find my sun

I know I'm not in a good place right now, and I'm sorry for those who are suffering along with me, I truly am sorry because most of you don't need this version of me, you need my happy and content version, but I just can't be that right now.
Right now I can barely function, let alone do other things. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be the start of my turn around, but the forecast predicts it won't be.

In the Face of Adversity

When facing the impossible we put our game face on
Only to try and trick the impossible that it is wrong
Its not really how we feel inside
Because all we wanna do is break down and cry

We try and be the best that we can be
And hope that we don't fall out of life's tree
We do our best to put on the mask of confidence
When really we struggle to hold onto consciousness

I'm not sure how much longer I can weak the mask
Because I can see, it is starting to get full of cracks
I don't want to let anybody else see it shatter
As my entire life comes crashing down in a clamor

Running away isn't going to fix the problem any better
In fact, I may just feel as though I have been through a shredder
I need to find a way to fix how I'm feeling inside
But nothing I seem to do stops the backward slide

I need to put myself into my crawler gear and start the climb
For this is my time to start to shine
Just gonna get the clutch loose and pop the gear free
Then drop it down a couple notches and let the gas flow with speed

But that is the hard part, being able to get my brain focused enough
To let me change the gear, to get going and stop from sliding off the bluff
But so far it doesn't look as though it is going to happen
But who knows maybe I'll be saved by a flying dragon

For now it seems as though I'll still be on triage of the brain
To stop my mind from feeling like something will remain
That when is all said and done, that I will make it through the day
When the sun sets, I'll have made it through the daily fray.

Stupid Mistakes

Shouldn't have ever let go
Never should have given less than 100% row
Stupidly let my guard down
Losing everything dear, looking like a clown

No idea what crazy thoughts crept into my brain
Nothing makes sense in this crazy mind regime
Just watching as all that I love slipped away
Now I just watch from a distance as it lives on anyway

Just sitting and waiting, watching as others enjoy
They just don't even care, that I am in fact a boy
I have feelings and that I can't stand being thrown around
And having my mind thrown and whipped around on the floor

So now I just have to sit and watch
As somebody else enjoys my failure to launch
So back to shuffling my feet and looking at the ground
I don't think I can keep going pound for pound

I lay in bed at night staring at the ceiling
Not being able to sleep, not able to start my healing
Never being able to sleep should probably end up killing me
But I'm stuck doing it anyways, my mind is a black sea

My mind, A whirlwind of Everything

I can't really explain things better than the song I'm going to post at the end, but I'm going to try, for me because I need too. But I'll force you to read my stuff (or at least make you scroll over it) to get to the song. As I've gone on to type, I've realized that it is two songs. So you will get them at the end.

Every time I spin around I swear I see your face in the crowd
I spend the next couple seconds searching, but everything is so loud
Then I get back to my sense and realize that you aren't here
There is no reason, you wouldn't want to show me your face I fear

I don't know why I keep dragging my feet through that same muddy water
Just getting my feet wet, treating my mind like cannon fodder
I need to find a new way to walk, a new path to let my eyes see
There will always be an overlap, but maybe I can finally set my mind free

I would give up everything, save nothing to put a smile on your face
Just to see you happy, jumping, dancing, and uplifted, would be my biggest grace
To see those feet fly around the floor, skimming and pushing it around
This is when you are most beautiful, it wouldn't be far fetch to be on your head a crown

But for now I'll just sit here and stare at the ceiling as I lay in bed
Wondering, what do I have to do to take back my head
But part of me doesn't ever want to get any of it back
Just letting you roam about it, even though I get a mild anxiety attack

Even though it hurts to see your face everywhere I crawl
It hurts even more when you don't even speak to me, nothing at all
Not hearing how your day goes, or something big that happens in your life
Makes me feel down,and fills my head with strife

I'm just like any other human being, I just want to be genuinely loved
Nothing else, just wanted, needed, just to be somebodies beloved
So here I'll just stand my ground, and try not to move
Because that's the best option, one of solitude


SO here are the two songs I was talkin abouts...

Feast your ears.

A Covert Message

Don't worry I got your message, it was pretty clear
Its pretty obvious that you don't want me near
It is so ever clear to be now
I'm just going to shield my heart, and hurt to not allow

Sometimes the silence can be so loud
Ear splitting, much like at a metal concert in the crowd
The sound is deafening and making my entire body tremble
I know I need to go, because my brain has stared to disassemble

I'm really sorry I can't stay, but I can treat my heart this way
I'm not going to put it through the pain of this sad ballet
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to dance the night away with you
But every time I get close, I get pushed away and cut through

I'd like to be able to say that we can do a Tango
And be as happy as a mango
But every time I do, You won't let me take the lead
Instead, we fumble around until you just get up and leave

I make the effort for us to have a time to talk
But it feels like I'd have better luck swimming under a dock
I get nothing back, sometimes for what seems days
I'm just burning up on re-entry in a fiery blaze

All I ask is that it be a two way street
That you don't leave me dangling, trying to accomplish and impossible feat
Just every now and then throw me a bone
To let me know that this is still what you want and I'm not swimming in a rip tide zone

If you don't want this anymore, please just let me know
I'd rather know and be hurt than be trying and have woe
Things are constantly changing, including things about me
But if you could be so kind as to inform me of where I be

I mean you no disrespect when I say these things
Just need to get my heart out, to let those strings sing
I'm just having a tough time coping with my entir e life
It feels like a race to the death, like trying to grab a double edged knife

I'll continue to pretend I'm okay and struggle on
But inside, I'm confused and hurting just wanting to make it to dawn
To watch the sunrise and be who I am supposed to be
So I can go back to being, everybody's big strong tree.

Amendum 4/27/2012:
I don't want what we have to die
wanting it to last is far from a lie
I wouldn't have it any other way than you and
For it just seems like something is meant to be

I just don't want to be the one always reaching it
Maybe every more and the maker the first move and brush away my clouds
I know what we have is no where near ideal
But its the best we got, and we ate keeping it real

So I just ask please let me know
If you truly want me around for the show
And show that you mean it by giving the first move a go
And maybe tell me things you don't tell every other soul

I don't want to be the last one to know what's going on
Id rather have that conversation one on one
It doesn't always have to be happy our sad
I'd still love to talk to you even if you're mad

I want to be your best friend you can tell anything
And somebody that you feel the need to hide something
Regardless of the time day it night
I will be here should you need me too help fight

You will always be an amazing girl
Nobody could taker that from you in the while wide world.

Touching, the feel of your skin.

I don't touch you to be creepy
Nor do I do it to make you weepy
Just the feel of your skin against mine
The only way to describe it is blissfully divine

The texture of your arm on the pads of my fingers
The smoothness of your leg on mine lingers
The warm gentle heat that you give back to me
The feeling, is so amazing, just an amazing spree

I don't touch you because I want to be that awkward guy
I touch you because I love the way you make my head fly
I don't poke you because I want to get in a fight
I poke you because it makes my heart jump with delight

Just to be around you makes my who day a little brighter
Even if its just for a moment, it always makes it better
Just the simple touch of holding your hand for a minute or two
Even if its just if it only gives me a few minutes to woo you.

I don't know what I'd do if I could never touch you again
Just the tiny spark when our pinkies intertwine
The small little moment, where I feel like more than a man
Those are the moments when kiss you I can

For those are the days I shall miss the most
Holding your hand as we walked along the sunny coast
The sun shining through your hair and across your face
And how all of us sudden it could turn into a race

One day the waves will wash me ashore once more
Where I can then run around, and swing a girl across the dance floor
I've learned that one can never miss a chance to dance
Because just like that you are both in a trance

Where the skin to skin contact isn't awkward or weird
Its a chance to get to physically get to know them that is revered
The touching and the gliding in rhythmic motion
To be kissed at the end of the song, she only need to give the notion.

Standing, Staring, Precariously Balanced

I stand, both feet firmly planted on what seems like ground
In front and on my left and right nothing but horizon can be found
I look down at where my feet seem to be planted
To my surprise I see a seemingly endless decent

I know I'm not here to jump or anything
But I can't figure out how I got here, did I sprout wings....
I know I came here to sit, listen and think
To get some place where my insanity isn't on the brink

I sit down and just look of into the distance to see what is there
But the longer I stare, I realize that sight seeing isn't what it is I care
The reason that I am up here, on the precariously perched ledge
Is to stop myself from slowly but surely going off the edge

I could stay up here all day, its the most peaceful I have been in awhile
Being up here, I know I can't stay, because this is merely a trial
The beauty of the world I see stretched out in front of me
From the rolling hills, to the big cities, and the blacktop to the forests filled with hundreds of trees

Most people feel the sunset is the most amazing time of the day to watch from on high
But I have to disagree,sun rise is, the way the sun races across the land lit from the sky
I see the line of light slowly creeping across the ground and watching the world wake up
Birds begin to fly, the streets begin to fill, and the sounds of life fly about, only missing a dude saying "sup"

I think I might just hang out here for awhile, and just watch the world spin a few times
Take notes, observe and learn more about who I am as a person, just sit and write some rhymes
Up here I shall be in a state of homage of sorts, a journey not so much of physical distance
But a mental journey to find my true self, no longer taking the path of least resistance

While sitting and acting as the observer may not be a path filled with lots of people
It is a space where I need to be, high above everything else, soaring like an Eagle
So here I will stay for a time, I'll look in upon myself and rely just on me for love
I am not expecting anybody else to do it, I'll be the releaser of my own dove.

I'm going to take a break from everything that I can
This is my time to learn to be a better man
This is where I should say adieu for now
If you just happen to look up every so often, you'll see me perched on the bow of where I stand now.