How does one feel?

How does one describe how they feel? because right now words can't even come close to describing what I am feeling, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm depressed, upset, angry, sad, and everything in between.

I'll try to keep this short, since most of you guys don't wanna read it, but I need to say it. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm literally the most lost I have ever been, I don't know what to do or where to go, I am lost with out them (those of you who know who them is, good for you.) My personal life is deteriororating, my love life is non existant, my professional life seems to be the only thing still functioning.

Okay, I'm done,
I'm sorry thats all I have to say.

To the Mountain Tops

Its no secret what is going on in my mind
its a carnival, much like a circus ride
Full of crazy and loud sounds that are overwhelming
People dizzy, puking and screaming

If I could race up to the mountain tops and scream that I love you I would
But even if I yelled that it would do absolutely no good
For I know that you don't feel the same way
At least not anymore, since you that fateful day

Its still fresh in my mind, as if it happened yesterday
Still burning, searing, tearing, like acid rain weather
So i could run and yell that I love you at the top of my lungs
But what good will it bring me?what result will it brung?

I could scream as loud as I could, but it wouldn't change a thing, or do any good
In fact it would probably make it worse, for you'd quit talking to me, probably for good
I know it won't bring you back to me, or let me have a second chance to prove
that I'm amazing, and I can be a better man that most guys,  I could be that guy you and your parents approve

I don't know what to do with myself now, cause nothing i can do will make it better
Nothing I say or do, will make me not want to write you love letters
I'm out of ideas, I don't know what to do
All I've got left is to cry and turn into goo

A hopeless Romantic That I will be.

So, I'm aware that I'm a hopeless romantic, and you know that is cool with me. I know I'm cheesy and not perfect in a perfection sort of way, but I know I'm somebodies perfect (that will be my next post I think, it will be on what perfection really is). I know I am a hopeless romantic for quite a few reasons, and I'll list out a few of them here for you.

- I want to take a girl on a moonlit walk on a beach somewhere
- I want to stay out all night talking to a girl about everything and nothing at the same time, just talk about it all
- I want to Randomly kiss her for no reason and tell her I love her
- Bring her flowers (either bought or picked) just randomly
- Be spontaneous and try to do things out of the norm for her
- I want to be the reason she rushes home to greet and be excited to see
- I want to cook dinners and have them ready for her when she comes back
- I want to miss her when she has to fly away for a period of time
- I want to be a father and spend time with them
- I'd love to be the stay at home dad if I could
- I want to see her first thing when I wake up and last before I go to bed
- I want to make her breakfast in bed on sundays
- I want to spend Sunday's in a sunlit room reading books together
- I want to go grow old with her, and even when our bodies are old and frail, she will still be the most beautiful girl in the world
- I wanna be the guy that doesn't make her insecure of me potentially wanting other girls, but other girls being jealous of her.
- I know I won't be superman, but I want her to think of me as her hero
- I want to be the guy that she feels safest with
- I want to be the guy she can bring home to her parents and leave me along with them and not be worried
- I want to be the guy that asks her farther for permission to marry her before I ask her, and then her being able to say yes with out thinking because its already been thought through


I want to be all that and more, and I know I can be that to the right girl, she is just hard to find, and sometimes they are a once in a lifetime opportunity.. Here's to hoping that I convince her that I'm the right one for her, or I find her.

Music at heart.

So, since I've posted enough posts with words. I'd figure I'd try something different, but expressive. I'm going to do the content of this post with just music, I'll link music videos in an order and the best experience will be to listen to them in that order, but you can skip any you want.
(As I am creating this.. I realize its a little long.. so you may wanna do something else while you listen or do it in multiple chunks)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chsTuBmkB2w&list=UUplkk3J5wrEl0TNrthHjq4Q&index=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXvMT_mVbqw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02BRnI3iUO4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOnI5GGpXck

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdJIh5Epfn8&list=PLF077C9DD67E5CF3D&index=3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWBi2Zut1eg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_Gm1Re3FgM&list=UUplkk3J5wrEl0TNrthHjq4Q&index=10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKR_1vh5Jw0&list=UUplkk3J5wrEl0TNrthHjq4Q&index=30

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2m4eEbnR5I

And I'll end it with a song.. well yeah... Kinda explains it in 3 minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6O2ncUKvlg

The Current State of Me

There are a million things rattling around in my brain right now, yes that is right a million. Count them all. 1..  2.... 3... 4... 5... 6.. 7... 8... 9... 10.. (this could take awhile bear with me ) 11... million. Done see, a million things rattling around in my small little brain that I like to call my own.

And yes, most of them aren't making me feel good about me, most of them are in fact doing the opposite. I could list all the things that are going on in my head, but I don't feel like wasting your time, cause well you probably aren't interested in them, nor do I feel like iterating over them an additional time today, I've already thought about it enough.

If I were to list them out it would probably look something like this...

1.  Reason 1
2. Reason 2
3. Reason 3
4. ...

.
.
.
.
.
     1000000. Reason 1 million

But that is not what I'm hear to do.

While it may appear that I'm fine on the outside, that I'm perfectly fine, that I'm enjoying life and happy and doing all the happy people things. In reality, it is the exact opposite, I hate doing anything, I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning, and well, I just hate me right now. Probably a fair portion of it is school, but I also know that at least half is the things running around in my head...

If you ask if I'm okay, of course I'm going to say I am, why would I admit other wise? I've always been the rock for you, the strength you could rely on when you were stressed out or worrying about something. I'm not going to give that up, its all I have left, and I don't really have that anymore.  This semester I've spent holed up in my apartment, I haven't seen many people. In fact the only person I see on a regular basis is my room mate and the people I see in class.. Other than that, I spend probably 90% of my not in class time in my room.. I can't really even leave it, nor do I want to.

So if you ask me if I'm fine, I'll reply I'm peachy.
If you ask how my life is, I'll reply its going and moving along pretty well.
If you ask what I've done recently, I'll reply mostly working on school but getting out when I can.
If you want to know what my heart says, I'll reply its beating along, doing its job quite dandy.

If you ask me why my heart and head hurts, I'll just shut down like a computer, nothing more to see here.

Lost Little Boy

stirred up in panic, with fear rising up
Looking around finding nobody like a lost pup
The room is filled, everybody is hustling and bustling
Yet entirely alone, lost, in a trance, not even rustling

No where to be found is the person they are hoping to see
To fix all that is wrong with their mind, just like one, two, three
A comforting and secure place, a hideout from all the bad
Where there is no fear, and there is no such thing as sad

Running around trying to find whom they seek
Minutes and minutes go by, odds are looking meek
A sound is heard, sounds like thy own name
Could this be them looking for me, or is it a mind game

Weaving in between the legs and arms of those whom are about
Thinking, that the faster I run, the faster I'll find them, no doubt
But as time wears on, and the same faces appear again and again
Hope starts to die out, will my search end in champagne

Asking for help you say? That isn't an option as fear is rising
Can't trust them with this emotion, its to comprimising
I'll just keep searching, I know that I can find them
Or at least, they will be able to find me again

Then the ultimate fear strikes deep within the heart
What if they have left me here, all on my own, forever apart
This can't be, they loved me so much so, it was so strong
Oh god, why oh why? why did this happen, what did I do wrong

There is always that little sliver of hope that there is a reunite
That little light deep inside that isn't burning very bright
Eventually you see them in everybody that you see, their face all over
But you see that it can't be them, and their voice doesn't match moreover




We are all that lost little boy or girl in our lives at several point, just hoping that where we messed up somebody will come along to scoop us up and tell us that we are fine, and that everything is going to be okay. To tell us that we are loved, and that will never change. Sometimes that is what we need more than anything, somebody to rescue us from our panic, to slow us down and show us that we didn't mess up, that something just happened, and that they are there just the same.

Unsure Of My Own Mind

I stand here unsure of what to do
My mind and body has been emptied, it has no crew
Nothing is quite the same anymore
Its like the peace that's right after the war

Only problem is I'm not a peace
I feel like I'm in the squabble, will it ever cease
Saying these things out loud I shouldn't do
But my heart, I haven't even begun to spew

For I know you are watching me closely
To figure out if I'm okay, well mostly.
I'll cut straight to the chase
I am going to make sure to give you your space

I know right now I resemble a poison
Not exactly something you would have chosen
Since you know that I'll always love you
I'll stay out of this renew

But never forget I will always have open arms
Should something  cause you mental harm
I'd never wish that upon your face
There wouldn't even be a trace

So I'll try to figure myself out as I sort out my life
To keep my words from cutting anybody like a knife
Hold my words close, so that they don't attack
Cause I don't want to stab you in the back

What my mind really has going on inside I'll never share
Maybe you'll see one day its cause I care
I'd give up anything to protect the ones I love most deeply
Even if the price paid seems steeply

My duty to the ones I life over rides everything else about me
Nothing could ever keep me from completing it, not even the black sea
While I never hope I fail you at all
I'm sure that one day, I'll fail and fall

I'm not perfect, not will I ever be
Those are the things that define me
I'll change, that is one of the biggest given
But you could already figure that out, cause you already changed how I am livin'

So as I sort my mind out, and try to make it make some sense
The notion that I'll get it sorted out like the easy level of tetris is future tense.
And that is fine by me, one day I'll be able to line up all the blocks
Everything falling into place, and be more readable, instead of a blackbox

A fruitless effort

I get that life isn't perfect and not everything is happy
I understand that sometimes we need our sad days
I realize that I'm not the greatest person on the planet
I also know that I am in fact worth something

Right now I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall
I feel like no matter what I say or do, it gets me no where
Every little thing I do
Never seems enough for you

I stand here screaming at the top of my lungs
Tears streaming down my face
Yet nobody seems to see or hear me
Even amongst this crowded world we live in

I know things will be every changing
That friends are made and lost through time
But there are always those friends you will keep forever
And it sucks when you lose one of them

I make the time for you, to do my best to give it
Yet in return I get nothing, I always have to initiate the handshake
If you don't want me around all you have to do is say
And I'll go away, though I may not understand

I don't know what is going on with me
Is there something wrong with me
Do I smell or look funny, am I lopsided or square
Is it that I'm too open, or that I care

I'm not sure what it is, but its strange
This strangeness is killing me
I'm doing my best to make the sun come out and shine
But clouds always seem to be getting in the way

Hopefully I can figure this out soon
Because these cloudy days are really starting to wear me down
Maybe I just nee to take some time to be away from everything
And just live in a secluded world to try and find my sun

I know I'm not in a good place right now, and I'm sorry for those who are suffering along with me, I truly am sorry because most of you don't need this version of me, you need my happy and content version, but I just can't be that right now.
Right now I can barely function, let alone do other things. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be the start of my turn around, but the forecast predicts it won't be.

In the Face of Adversity

When facing the impossible we put our game face on
Only to try and trick the impossible that it is wrong
Its not really how we feel inside
Because all we wanna do is break down and cry

We try and be the best that we can be
And hope that we don't fall out of life's tree
We do our best to put on the mask of confidence
When really we struggle to hold onto consciousness

I'm not sure how much longer I can weak the mask
Because I can see, it is starting to get full of cracks
I don't want to let anybody else see it shatter
As my entire life comes crashing down in a clamor

Running away isn't going to fix the problem any better
In fact, I may just feel as though I have been through a shredder
I need to find a way to fix how I'm feeling inside
But nothing I seem to do stops the backward slide

I need to put myself into my crawler gear and start the climb
For this is my time to start to shine
Just gonna get the clutch loose and pop the gear free
Then drop it down a couple notches and let the gas flow with speed

But that is the hard part, being able to get my brain focused enough
To let me change the gear, to get going and stop from sliding off the bluff
But so far it doesn't look as though it is going to happen
But who knows maybe I'll be saved by a flying dragon

For now it seems as though I'll still be on triage of the brain
To stop my mind from feeling like something will remain
That when is all said and done, that I will make it through the day
When the sun sets, I'll have made it through the daily fray.

Stupid Mistakes

Shouldn't have ever let go
Never should have given less than 100% row
Stupidly let my guard down
Losing everything dear, looking like a clown

No idea what crazy thoughts crept into my brain
Nothing makes sense in this crazy mind regime
Just watching as all that I love slipped away
Now I just watch from a distance as it lives on anyway

Just sitting and waiting, watching as others enjoy
They just don't even care, that I am in fact a boy
I have feelings and that I can't stand being thrown around
And having my mind thrown and whipped around on the floor

So now I just have to sit and watch
As somebody else enjoys my failure to launch
So back to shuffling my feet and looking at the ground
I don't think I can keep going pound for pound

I lay in bed at night staring at the ceiling
Not being able to sleep, not able to start my healing
Never being able to sleep should probably end up killing me
But I'm stuck doing it anyways, my mind is a black sea